Suppressed emotions can have a significant impact on both the mind and the body. When we suppress our emotions, we are effectively bottling them up inside us, preventing them from being expressed in a healthy and natural way. This can lead to a range of negative consequences such as: [Read more…]
At this time of year, when we are perhaps feeling under pressure to please others, we look at how we can notice and reduce ‘people pleasing’ behaviours, refuel our ‘emotional tanks’ and be more present for others by being kinder and more compassionate to our ‘selves’.
Putting other people’s needs first can seem like a noble thing to do, but when it becomes all we do, this can be problematic, not least because eventually we can run out of ‘fuel’ – physically and emotionally, leaving us unable to do much for anybody, including ourselves. [Read more…]
Here we explore the effects of times of change and how the difficult emotions experienced during the gap between the old and the new can be tolerated whilst waiting for the wheel of life to turn.
Life is a continuous journey of change. From birth onwards, we repeatedly face new challenges that contribute to our overall growth. We continue through our whole lives transitioning from one phase to another. However, it’s not always a case of going from ‘A’ to ‘B’, with immediacy and certainty. Some phases can be more challenging than others and can bring with them great discomfort. We are wired to want what’s familiar, because that’s where safety is. Take away that of which we feel certain and, all of a sudden, we find ourselves in an emotional ‘no man’s land’. We are no longer ‘there’ and ‘here’ is unknown and out of sight. [Read more…]
Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is evident in most clients I work with at Anglia Counselling, who present themselves for counselling and therapy.
There remains for others a misconception that CEN must be that the experience of obvious and overt abuse and trauma has occurred, and while these do fall into ‘neglect’ or abuse category, there are many more subtle examples, the symptoms of which can remain hidden from our conscious awareness for decades.
It is common for symptoms to only become more obvious once we embark on deep relationships – and then if we ourselves become parents.
So, who does not have any symptoms of neglect from childhood?
Very, very few humans have no symptoms at all.
So, what can be classed as childhood developmental neglect that leads to at least some level of psychological injury? Here are a few:
And there are many more developmental stage experiences that will ultimately shape the adult that the child becomes – and the relationships, including parenting styles, they have.
It’s usually unhelpful to blame our parents and caregivers. They did the best with what they had in their awareness, usually repeating a transference via a culture of parenting that may well have been passed down the ancestral line for countless generations, until a ‘chain-breaker’ intervenes and with awareness and counsel, passes on to their own offspring a new, more mindful, less emotionally neglectful experience from which to enter adulthood, relationships, and parenting with.
*We always welcome working with clients who are planning to become parents and who have become aware that they themselves would rather avoid passing on negative approaches, including ‘over-parenting’.
The roots of anxiety and depression in adulthood are often to be found in the child’s formative years while the nervous system was still being developed.
The natural way a child’s underdeveloped nervous system regulates is through relationships. The unnatural way is to regulate on its own which is the source of trauma.
When a parent or caregiver is unavailable for regulation and emotional support or when the parent or caregiver is the primary source of physical or emotional distress, the nervous system of the child is “pushed” to find strategies to regulate on its own and make the pain less painful.
Without emotional and biological support (co-regulation), the child’s brain learns: “I have to do it on my own“
The way to regulate on its own is via survival adaptations, responses and mechanisms that substitute for the co-regulation. It will become hyper-aroused, hyper-alert, disconnect, tense, freeze or shut down.
Protective emotional barriers, or ‘walls’ are unconsciously created to try and protect the individual from further emotional pain. But these ‘walls’ also fail to allow us in adulthood to ‘feel’ the love of another.
The adult will also have learned through life to move pain into a problem-solving intellectual brain to solve, practically, an emotional problem. The result of this is a disconnection between the mind and body, leaving emotions to become subconsciously stored in the body while ‘we live in the brain’. Not only is this a safety behaviour, but it also has the effect of emotions with nowhere to go; no completion or catharsis, then we as adults become more and more distressed, affecting behaviourally our relationships with ourselves and others, our social and professional performance, our familial and domestic relationships.
We turn to numbing behaviours associated with alcohol or other substances, or allow anger and coercion, manipulation, and distrust, to affect many facets of our lived experience.
Put simply, the child that learns there is value, and it is safe to express herself will continue to do so in adulthood. In this expressiveness she will be more able to set healthy boundaries, will have raised self-esteem, and be able to regulate her emotions so they do not lead to ill health and the assortment of other turbulence mentioned above.
Resources
Jonice Webb, PhD, author of “Running on Empty” and her website which contains a ‘self-assessment questionnaire’ for Childhood Emotional Neglect.
“The book I wish my parents had read” – Philippa Perry
Do you know how to describe your emotions? Can you put words to the way you feel when you’re angry, sad, or happy? If not, don’t worry – you’re not alone. Many people find it difficult to articulate their feelings.
In this article, we will explore the different ways that people describe emotions. We will also discuss the benefits of understanding your own emotions and the emotions of others. At the foot of this post are some invaluable links to resources that can further inform all who wish to feel better, and who want to navigate life with greater peace. [Read more…]
With gratitude to our guest author, Pol Cousineau, from CPA (Quebec) and Soul Success Unleashed who discusses HSP.
Many individuals experience a range of emotions daily. Maybe you’ve asked yourself, Am I being too sensitive? Or how do I become less sensitive?
It is human nature for some people to experience a high intensity of feelings regarding their situations or the experiences of others. But just like how tall a person is, there’s no right amount of sensitivity. Highly sensitive people are no worse off or better than any other individual, they just look at life from a different perspective. [Read more…]
Together with the team at Nuna, we created a page that that gives you 50% discount off Nuna. I highly encourage you to at least try out the app and see how it can help improve your mental wellbeing. [Read more…]
An imaginative and inspirational perspective of self-esteem, and how we should all get growing more!
When I think of healthy self-esteem I imagine it as a flourishing garden, filled with beautiful flowers, shrubs and trees. Pastels and vibrant hues nestling side by side in a wonderfully natural space, each existing exactly where it should be – confident and comfortable to be where they are – each individual plant or tree has earned its rightful place in amongst all the other plants and trees. And when some begin to fade (as some plants do with time), new seeds arrive creating an ever-changing environment; alive, thriving and continually renewing and growing. [Read more…]
At the time of writing, much of the planet is facing a ‘second-wave’ of COVID-19. The global economy is being challenged, the poor are getting poorer, the sick, sicker, and all our perceptions of thinking we have any level of ‘control’ are being fractured. But, is the outlook really all doom and gloom?
For so many of our global society, we are experiencing something quite unique. An unseen and invisible disease on a scale almost inconceivable. Many will quite naturally experience emotional and psychological turbulence at the disruption of established patterns and routines which so readily provides us with a (false) sense of control and order.
We are all participants in what will likely become referred to as an extraordinary chapter of history. [Read more…]