Tag Archives: Family

Mum and Dad – I AM good enough!

…and this may extend to other family members!

An alarmingly high proportion of clients who engage with me for low self esteem, depression and anxiety, share the theme ‘lack of permission’ to ‘be good enough’, and of value, as much as anyone else on this planet!

So where does this originate from?

Continue reading “Mum and Dad – I AM good enough!” »

The Rise of Divorce and the Single Parent Family

Anglia Counselling Reports on the Rise of Divorce and the Single Parent Family in the UK

Mental Health: Suffolk based psychotherapist, Bob Brotchie from Anglia Counselling explores the reported rising tide of single parents – and discovered some surprising statistics.

Newmarket, Suffolk (PRWEB UK) 31 January 2013

Reviewing some of the demographics for couples and individuals who presented for relationship advice, and for their individual emotional and mental health conditions; research shows that in the U.K, in 2012 there were a recorded two million single parents, up four hundred thousand from 1996. [1]

Recorded figures below represent combined ages at divorce for husband and wife (2011) England and Wales [2]

Combined
Ages
30-34 – 18,020
35-39 – 20,285
40-44 – 22,370
45-49 – 19,307
50-59 – 18,260
(Excluded, are ages ranges above and below these; they are considerably smaller than this group)

What’s driving and sustaining this increase?

Of interest may be the reasons the combined age ranges of both men and women who divorce fall between ages thirty and sixty years. What is the cause in this cohort effect?

Opinions suggest aspects of society and marriage that will be unsurprising to many.

• Financial pressures from debt, job loss, or over-expenditure.
• Stress at work…and then brought home
• Communications failing in the relationship
• Infidelity, with social media influences increasingly cited[3]
• Negative cognitive responses and behaviours based on individuals life prior to relationship
• Addictive behaviours. Physical/emotional abuse, gambling, alcohol and illicit drugs

 

Unhappy Mum Image

 

Impact on children – and the chain

It is well documented how children are emotionally affected long before a family separation or subsequent divorce takes place. This may then influence how they respond to their parental responsibilities, as well as their relationships. This chain, however, has the potential to be broken when talking therapies are accepted, such as counselling – and strategies for the daily thought processes to be more balanced are implemented.

Great expectations

Life is very different today when considering the overall access to each other, work and information. Social media is also undoubtedly impacting on the days ‘must-do’ list, decreasing our personal awareness and relationships within the family

Powerless to change

Many individuals within a relationship suggest they are victims to circumstances. Earlier life experiences are known to influence current behaviours – but can be managed more healthily if addressed and considered.

From the dataset above, the largest group falls within the ages 30-60 years of age. When asked, these individuals have often failed to access – or be provided with the care required.

At initial client assessment, a significant seventy percent of individuals had never sought meaningful intervention by way of a talking therapy. Moreover, at exit interview 80% of sample [4] from 2012 recorded significant improvement in their individual emotional and mental health, and significantly, those of their relationships thanks to greater awareness of self, of lifestyle, and of others.

Conclusion
The growing trend analysis for couples divorcing, and the subsequent impact on themselves and on the next generation is something that may require us to consider where the responsibility lies. In accepting methods of therapy or guidance early on, this process can be relatively short in duration to help achieve meaningful strategies for a more sustainable loving family unit.

If you are separated, considering divorce or are a single parent, call Bob Brotchie for your individual and private meeting to discuss

1- ONS – Office National Statistics http://www.ons.gov.uk/ons/rel/family-demography/families-and-households/2012/index.html
2 – ONS - http://www.ons.gov.uk/ons/datasets-and-tables/index.html?pageSize=50&sortBy=none&sortDirection=none&newquery=divorce+rates&content-type=Reference+table&content-type=Dataset
3 – http://www.scienceofrelationships.com/home/2011/3/29/does-facebook-cause-divorce-and-infidelity.html
4 – Based on data sourced from authors private practice angliacounselling.co.uk

Family Separation and Divorce

Family Separation and Divorce

Married couples often consider long-term separation, rather than a divorce; or maybe worse, stay together despite irreconcilable differences, citing an inability to overcome financial barriers.

Financial considerations are still, and rightly so a major factor along with the custody of children and pets and house sale (or not) amid seemingly countless other ‘battles’ fought.

Is it possible to ‘manage’ the separation or divorce process without this domestic war?

Mediation is a vital and useful tool if both parties can agree to take part with the right heart! However, even before mediation, establishing meaningful and appropriate communications with each other, conducted in a way that somehow leaves aside the point scoring, hateful and hurtful attitudes, which otherwise serve to complicate even further a massively emotional and turbulent time, with no winners at the conclusion

“It’s our thoughts, feelings, and reactions to events that create the turbulence – rather than the event itself”

Good law firms will support you through the various options, and signpost you to other colleagues who can assist with areas of separate expertise such as counselling or relationship therapy, along with mediation if required. One such shining example is the Cambridge Family Law Practice, who provide, along with other experts such as Suzy Ashworth, a specialist knowledge in so many aspects of family law, mediation, including reducing costs associated with divorce and separation

Easier said than done of course, and like anything challenging, it takes preparation and courage!

Why preparation? For the paradigm change, for learning to talk despite anger, anxiety, fear, recriminations…and for the kids!

The emotional after-effects of such change in your lives will be determined to some degree by how well you can ‘engage’ without the ‘hatred’ and other emotions being active. These, and all the other powerful emotions can be expressed in an appropriate separate environment with time and space set aside just for you! (I, and others like me can provide this for you, and your family)

Only when you have been heard and recognised, may you be in a greater position to negotiate the necessary business end of the separation.

Remember…

“It’s our thoughts, feelings, and reactions to events that create the turbulence – rather than the event itself”

Image: http://www.flickr.com/photos/benurs/5140213820/

Relationship therapy and counselling

An age old challenge for society and for couples – or colleagues in the workplace – is the business of relationships.

We are all different, of course, having been exposed and influenced through our lives by various experiences. Put two or more different people together and, at some stage or another, something is likely to give.

A key component to relationships working is the ability to communicate effectively with each other. It’s interesting to draw the parallels between how we behaved and interacted when we first met our partners, or colleagues, how courteous and considerate we probably were, and how many of us become in later months and years.

Hold that thought!

Do you now come anywhere close to communicating today with how you once did? Of course not, we take our eye off the ball, take each other for granted and regard everything else as more important. But is it?

How much more content might you and those around you be if you re-learned how to engage with each other again? But it’s not that simple, and it’s pointless blaming ‘the other side’, because it really does take two!

So communications are important, and so are ‘understanding’ and ‘expectations’. Learning how the ‘other’ side thinks and might ‘feel’ about things may uncover why they react the way they do.

The female of the species may want to talk immediately about a problem that has arisen. The male will as likely as not want to retreat to his cave, metaphorically speaking, to calm down and consider the possibilities to resolve the problem. When neither is afforded the opportunity to re-examine how they are often programmed to do as they do, arguments and ill feelings erupt. Then communication may be lost, apart from the other negative stuff unleashed.

This is just a snapshot of some of the reasons why we do what we do. But we needn’t stop there and do nothing. Help is available through relationship therapy and counselling.

For more information, or to book a discovery session, contact me Bob Brotchie at angliacounselling.co.uktel: 01638 563 222info@angliacounselling.co.uk

I Don’t Like To Ask…

Do you ask for help?

It’s all very well asking for help, but then I’m admitting…

  • Others cope
  • Others are smarter
  • I’ve failed
  • I’m less than

Really?

And what if any of the above was true, might any of those statements be permanent?

Each and every one of us can benefit from the advice, physical or emotional support at some times in our lives and the best thing is – lots of us like to be asked! It makes us feel good! It can make us feel clever, strong and important – valued, respected and needed!

Unconditioned at birth, from expectations and experiences we happily cry and make it known we need help. Gradually we learn to be independent to a greater or lesser degree…and then we find something we are unable to do and we hopefully ask help to navigate the challenge.

Inevitably we also make plenty of mistakes because we didn’t ask, and then we learn…and we can see someone else with similar problem/s and choose to help them avoid similar mistakes...then they didn’t have to ask!

Play to your strengths at any given time, and enjoy knowing what you know

It is also so useful to ‘know what you don’t know’!

At any given time in our lives, we enjoy positions of strength and knowledge over our fellow beings. Within these times we are constantly still to learn certain other strengths, this is unique to no one!

Try to resolve what you can so you can learn and grow.

And where you are overwhelmed from time or energy, these are just two examples where asking for help can make the difference and help you avoid the path leading to longer term stress and anxiety, depression, or feelings of low self esteem.

“I didn’t like to ask”!

Really?

If you, or someone you know is feeling overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety or depression, see the resources or come and see me atangliacounselling.co.uk It won’t hurt to ask!