The Experience of Real Connection isn’t Instant Gratification

Though we may feel gratitude, the experience of real connection isn’t instant gratification. Busy, busy and ultra-connected… yet some maintain both an online and personal presence, with balance. But does this matter?

As a parent of three sons of wildly varying ages (25, 22, and 11) I’ve become acutely aware just how different our children’s socialising has become over the last 20 years or so.

My Older Sons

In the decade when my older sons were growing up, they still played on the streets, meeting friends and taking reasonable ‘chances’. Video games were in the ascendancy and, twenty years ago, balance between the two began to be challenged. My older sons were not encouraged, and there was less availability, to engage online with others. True and real social interaction took place in the school, or on the streets, with some ‘stay-overs’ for good measure.


I consider these older sons more streetwise. Indeed, one now lives in London; a fully grown independent man in his own right.


My Youngest

By comparison, my youngest is predominately a ‘homebird!’ As parents, we have perhaps become influenced via the incessant flow of negative media streaming into our homes and lives, 24/7. MY eleven-year-old and his primary social learning skills are split between online chat with friends, and his peers at school. He, too, has multiple reciprocal ‘stay-overs’ but his streetwise abilities are highly limited.

Why is this? Because he doesn’t know any different! This is what he has been, or rather hasn’t been, exposed to. In fairness, the environment has been a partial factor, as has his own relative psychological introversion. But the overriding factors are his parents! What we teach (and have taught) this eleven-year-old, he will (and has) learned as part of his own beliefs and values of the world, and his place in it.

Is this then going to be detrimental for him?


I’ve been thinking about this a great deal. Not least because, in the office, I am seeing an increasing number of kids lacking both emotional intelligence and resilience to the vicissitudes of life.

So, I started this post with the intention of looking at social-introversion by way of our increased time and exposure with the online world. But as I started to type, it became clearer that this paradigm shift, and all that entails, isn’t going to go away anytime soon!

So, here is an invitation to the acid-test!


Conduct your own personal social audit, purely observationally.


Here are some of the issues, and observations, I’ve noticed or experienced:

  1. We increasingly operate from behind the smartphone, laptop, or PC. Just look at all the social comments about people no longer connecting at mealtimes and other social gatherings.
  2. We’re becoming less aware of our surroundings and environments – and the people in these places. This leaves us open to a lack of compassion or empathy, as well as mistaken communications, judgements and assumptions – and a loss of ‘in real life’ connection.
  3. We might operate on all fronts. The social butterfly is no longer constricted to attending The Ball! She can go to The Ball, take selfies, share online – and then dissect online over the coming days! If we’re lucky enough, we go to many social functions. However, we may become overwhelmed with the ‘new’ need (and desire) to update our social platforms in which we inhabit as ‘bits’ of data. Have we not become super-journalists, the world over?

We ARE social creatures by design…

But, I think we are in danger of losing the skills that have evolved over millennia; to observe, and engage, with careful (albeit subconscious) awareness of the subtle nuances of body language – the micro-expressions, the amazing ways we can choose to communicate with passion and care. To be in the presence of another – and therefore to KNOW we exist, we matter, and we perhaps have a sense of belonging and purpose – and ultimately, hope.


About the author
Managing Director / Counsellor at Anglia Counselling Ltd | 07747042899 | [email protected] | Business Website

Bob Brotchie is a counsellor, mindset consultant and creator of "Conscious Living by Design"™. He writes for Anglia Counselling, is featured on various other websites and introduces us to many guest writers all covering topics related to mental health and wellbeing.

Bob provides bespoke counselling services to individuals and couples in the privacy and comfort of a truly welcoming environment at his Anglia Counselling company office, located near Newmarket in Suffolk, England. Bob also provides professional online counselling, for local, national, and international clients. The therapeutic models offered are bespoke to the client’s needs, especially those in receipt of 'childhood emotional neglect' (CEN), whilst integrating a mindful approach to psychotherapy and cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) principles. For clients experiencing trauma and/or phobia, Bob offers EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing).


  1. Trish Hurtubise

    Really interesting article, Bob. I don’t have children but I have noticed that my friend’s children are experiencing this paradigm shift and the ramifications. But even in myself, who has a hard time with intimacy and connection because of past wounds that now impact my beliefs (which I’m working on of course!), it takes considerable effort to go beyond the comfort I find in social media to make those connections face to face. I’m also an extreme introvert and prefer the hermit lifestyle. But as you said, we are wired to be part of communities, because we are social animals and because it is known in our most primal being that community makes a safe as our ancestors found safety in numbers being part of a tribe. So I push myself to “get out there”. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and so cool that you have different generation of sons who help to give you insight on this matter.

    • With or without children, Trish, your insights are always a joy to read.
      Me too, and I know many readers, are introverts also. I get comfortable with my personal ‘me’ persona engaging online only. It is after a social event however that the sense of belonging and validity pinches the consciousness, and I feel ever so alive.
      Bit more of a nuisance really!

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