1. Tim

    It has taken me since 1970 to understand that the past us beating my emotional drum, sometimes hitting the cymbals, too.

    However, i also discovered after I sat down to analyse why “Its my past’s fault, my parents’ fault, even bugger else’s fault but mine” that I have been a total arse.

    Yes, I have been through some serious emotional crap, but I know for sure who is responsible for that.

    It’s the bloke typing this.

    Who keeps banging the drum and hitting the cymbals?

    That would be me, then.

    Knowing this doesn’t make my solving my problem any easier, except… it means I know where to start.

    I’ve known where to start since about 1998. I started to learn how to start around ten years later. I started a couple of years after that. I’m unwinding stuff, discarding stuff, deciding what of my past is worth enjoying, and processing the stuff I ought to have started to process in 1970, actually, in 1965, now I think of it. See, I haven’t got it all sorted out as logically as I thought.

    Part of that is writing stuff here. Another part is reading comments here.

    • Bob Brotchie

      Thank you, Tim. As well as hitting the drums and cymbals – I think you’ve also hit the proverbial nail on the head!

      • Tim

        Knowing is not the same as doing, though. I try really hard to shed the past. Doing so is great, but also not so great.

        Example: When in pain I retreated into my fantasy world knowing my phantom special person would look after me. In my fantasies he did. Well, except he didn’t, obviously. When I managed to rid myself of the fantasy world I found my real life was both better without it, and also emptier for the lack of it. I have nowhere to run and hide.

        Ok, that’s a good thing. But it’s kind of lonely too at times of deep emotional hurt and sorrow.

        I just want folk thinking “Gosh, he makes it sound so simple” to realise that its hard work

        • Thanks Tim.
          I think you have to be something of a warrior to live with mental disharmony. It IS hard and as you well know, requires significant investment in terms of tenacity and diligence. There are certain nuances alluded to via Buddhist philosophy that has helped me with my past. Allowing it to gently and organically settle further away from my current perspectives, and when the past does get triggered emotionally today, I try to understand how I can manifest wisdom and growth from the discomfort and mental turbulence. In other words, I’m not consciously trying to get anywhere, choosing where possible to sit with difficult emotions and comfort myself with self-compassion.

          • Tim

            I find that giving others some sort of help also helps me.

            There is a grave danger of getting too carried away in being a warrior for self. One can end up a social liability! But moderation is hard, especially at the start when it is all encompassing

      • tim

        Don’t know about you, Jenny, but I never seemed to be in time with the beat when I hit the loudest cymbal!

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