Okay, to be truthful and perhaps more accurate, it MIGHT be alright through this one caveat. When I find unconditional acceptance for all! But what does that mean for us?
I come from a life narrative of perceived (and genuine) struggle in terms of financial security, which I’m pretty sure I’m not alone with, but also the idea of reaching a state of ‘nirvana‘. I thought it was time to revisit a similar post I published back in 2013 to see what, if anything, has changed.
A Back-story to the State of ‘Wanting’
Many of us who experienced childhood emotional neglect or trauma (emotional and/or physical) unrecognised by that child until he or she becomes the adult, will likely struggle emotionally without counselling and guidance to help realign unhealthy values and beliefs holding us prisoner to the sense of ‘it’s, or, I’m never enough’.
For me personally, as an example, I was emotionally neglected in the very earliest years – and through each of my stages of childhood psychological development. Then, when adulthood arrived I was driven to a fruitless drive to find ‘something’ to scratch the sense of lack ‘itch’.
I was always challenged by money worries as a result of spending more than I had in order to try and satisfy my emotional dysfunctions. Like so many I have observed, we buy emotionally in a vain attempt to create joy. The result is instant gratification – always short-lived.
Most of my relationships and most specifically those between me and any lover were dysfunctional. I needed ‘something’ from the relationships that no-one could possibly have provided, but for so many years, this was as much a mystery to me, as of my poor partners! My early parenting efforts were also an opportunity to demonstrate how ‘not to be’ a parent!
Just as challenging as the contexts above was my ability to find meaningful (to me) work and career. I bounced from job-to-job, never satisfied with the salary or purpose. The positive here though, was that I got to experience many, many roles which provided me with the respect warranted for those who do the work today, that I did then!
Because I was emotionally unskilled (and this is never a failure once the choices have been explored!), I was unable to appropriately express or assert myself. If the boss called me to the office I would presume a negative outcome. If a relationship was challenged, I didn’t feel safe saying so, and so on. The end results are bouts of anxiety and depression, and these wait for all of us similarly affected.
I’ve touched, very briefly, on just four (important) aspects of living without acceptance. So, should I have given up? Is that ‘acceptance?’ Not at all! 🙂
Acceptance can help us find peace without striving for attainment.
The Power of Conscious Choice vs Control Behaviours
Acceptance becomes more readily available for situations when we can consider with full conscious awareness, rather than reactive, instinctive control behaviours. It’s knowing, moment-to-moment what I’m experiencing here – now. But to catch this way of being, we are going to need to be more mindful as being mindful and ‘being present’ in the ‘here and now’ can help us to manage life’s inevitable impermanences.
The journey to recovery from whatever has left us without certainty for what we can be, peaceful, accepting – and yet creative, fun, relaxed and emotionally regulated, begins with exploring who we are and becoming an authority on what we feel, what we do with these feelings, and how we subsequently behave, in order to, where necessary, cognitively restructure. Then, the world we sense around us appears more satisfying. And equally, when we and life do feel less peaceful, we can view it for what it truly is, rather than what it has previously been perceived to be.
If you would like to make more sense of what you experience and feel more purposeful and fulfilled, contact me so I can guide you online, or in person, to the place you deserve to be.
Bob Brotchie is a counsellor, mindset consultant and creator of "Conscious Living by Design"™. He writes for Anglia Counselling, is featured on various other websites and introduces us to many guest writers all covering topics related to mental health and wellbeing.
Bob provides bespoke counselling services to individuals and couples in the privacy and comfort of a truly welcoming environment at his Anglia Counselling company office, located near Newmarket in Suffolk, England. Bob also provides professional online counselling, for local, national, and international clients. The therapeutic models offered are bespoke to the client’s needs, especially those in receipt of 'childhood emotional neglect' (CEN), whilst integrating a mindful approach to psychotherapy and cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) principles. For clients experiencing trauma and/or phobia, Bob offers EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing).