The Connected Parent – Part 1
Having accepted the gift of guardianship and the role of parenting, are we paying enough attention to our children, who will then become what we have taught?
Are we supporting the children we have, rather than who we think they ‘should’ be?
On a Roll
Once we’ve got to grips with the basics of parenthood, it can be so easy to let the kids get on with what they ‘need‘ to do while we attend to the business of life. If we do this, will our children, our ‘students of life’ for whom we have such vast responsibility in the example we set (which will ultimately establish their belief systems), know they are loved, safe and being nurtured – unconditionally?
STOP!
Do you stop what you are doing when your child wants to ask you something, or they excitedly want to share news? Because when we do, they know. They ‘feel’ valued, and can take this into adulthood.
We, as adults, also benefit!
We get to truly observe and be aware of the beauty of the hitherto and relatively unconditioned, unbiased, young, unique individual, and their potential for who they are, and who they can confidently aspire to be. If we choose to observe; responding appropriately with thought, consideration and respect – and engage, meaningfully with integrity, we get to observe the true innocence, joy and inquisitiveness of youth.
Be a Chain-Breaker
The significant majority of individuals I meet in the therapy room have belief systems – as in their place in this world, as they have learned to understand it, and this may be skewed and ‘corrupted’ from what it might otherwise have been. It seems almost incumbent then that these adults, with obscured belief systems, will demonstrate similarities to the next generation. Therefore, this continues until someone chooses an alternative.
Exploration of the Mind: The Cognitions and Resultant Behaviours
What we sow, we reap. When we have been less attentive than perhaps we would consciously choose, we can observe our children mimicking our behaviours. They often copy our words and actions, but without the cognition to understand ‘why’!
Unsafe and Insecure
Our communications and our body language, our actions, reactions and responses to crises are all carefully observed. Even that which cannot be clearly seen by us – such as energies in the house when the marital relationship is fraught; anxiety and anger are ‘felt’ and may go on to create a sense of insecurity for our children, and their potential.
All is Not Lost
In part two of The Connected Parent, I share other observations around how we can potentially reduce dysfunctional outcomes for our offspring, and how we can always improve on these current relationships while celebrating being the best version of ourselves.
None of this post is about pointing fingers! As a parent three times over, I know I have made – and do make mistakes! This is simply asking if we are doing the basics, by being present and connected with our most precious legacy.
Bob Brotchie is a counsellor, mindset consultant and creator of "Conscious Living by Design"™. He writes for Anglia Counselling, is featured on various other websites and introduces us to many guest writers all covering topics related to mental health and wellbeing.
Bob provides bespoke counselling services to individuals and couples in the privacy and comfort of a truly welcoming environment at his Anglia Counselling company office, located near Newmarket in Suffolk, England. Bob also provides professional online counselling, for local, national, and international clients. The therapeutic models offered are bespoke to the client’s needs, especially those in receipt of 'childhood emotional neglect' (CEN), whilst integrating a mindful approach to psychotherapy and cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) principles. For clients experiencing trauma and/or phobia, Bob offers EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing).
What do people do whose children are adults now- dysfunctional in many ways because of the parenting mistakes already made? Erroneous belief systems have already been created, from a parent with an equally erroneous belief system obtained from their upbringing. Now–said parent has evolved. She/he is aware and enlightened to a higher self- a higher level of consciousness. But now has no idea how to “undo” the damage already done and carries the very heavy and destructive burden of guilt. Any words of wisdom or helpful advice for those parents?
Thank you Danielle, a really interesting question!
Clearly, the past cannot be undone.
What has been experienced cannot be un-known, so for parents who have regrets it can offer little value to attempt to bring about a change of what has gone before.
It is natural however for all of us parents to have a desire for some things to have been different, but then we are spending time in a place that no longer exists.
What we can do is to ensure, as much as is achievable, that we discharge the negative aspects, forgive ourselves if necessary and demonstrate the very best version of who we are today.
We can reconcile ourselves with our past; holding onto negative events no longer present as a reality is as damaging as failing to forgive another. Akin to that wonderful old quote…
Of course, we have to consider, this is a two party deal!
We may think if we have behaved in a less than optimal way to our children that we cannot be deserving of peace. This is drinking the poison again though.
A person can be described as their actions only at the time those actions occur. A prisoner is no longer a criminal when he or she is imprisoned!
Could that be applied to the parent who did what they could, with what they had, at that time?