ON HOLD – Moving Through Grief and Bereavement: A journey, not a destination
Intro
At some point in our lives, we will all be affected by loss. Death is a guaranteed part of life; sad, but true. But what about when it happens and we are confronted with the death of a family member, friend, colleague or a beloved pet?
Grief and bereavement are the two words associated with the event of losing someone. Grief can be defined as the initial emotions, thoughts and feelings associated with the loss. Bereavement refers to the time spent adjusting to that loss. The word ‘bereavement’ comes from an ancient German word that translates as “seize by violence” – an apt description as for many, when someone dies it can feel like they have been taken by force. The most important thing about these two processes is that they are highly personal. Whilst there are some commonalities, we are all different and therefore every one of us will experience loss in our own unique way.
There is no right or wrong way to experience losing someone. There are no right or wrong emotions; allowing ourselves to feel everything, both positive and negative is part of the healing process.
Grief and bereavement are neither linear nor time-limited and it is vital to allow ourselves the space to process a loss in our own way, and in our own time.
Many are familiar with what are generally known as the “Five Stages of Grief”, or, in other words; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. These stages were suggested by Swiss Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, however she was not alluding to the experience of losing someone but to patients who had received a terminal diagnosis. The stages were later adopted somewhere by someone, to apply to bereavement as there are some shared similarities in how someone feels after they have lost someone close compared to how someone who is terminally ill feels. Sadly, this has led to a misconception about the grieving process. It suggests that it is linear, that there are specific steps to ‘go through’ and that these steps will eventually lead to acceptance aka ‘the cure’.
There is no cure for grief and no end point to bereavement. But, with time and support it is possible to soften the edges, to find a new ‘normal’ and begin enjoying life again.
In my practice, I use the acronym GENTLY:
Grieve – allow yourself to; it’s a normal, natural process and it’s okay to feel the way you feel
Embrace – honour your experience
No Judgements – don’t judge your emotions as good or bad, simply allow them to be
Take it easy – allow yourself as much time as you need, for as long as you need it
Lessen the load – reduce stress as much as possible, keep things simple, ask for help
You First – lots of self-compassion, self-care and self-love; be kind to yourself
Grief does get easier to cope with. It takes time and courage, but it does get easier. Remember that no two people have the same experience when it comes to losing someone. There are no ‘shoulds’, (ie “I should be over it by now.”) and no emotions that are off limits.
Bob Brotchie is a counsellor, mindset consultant and creator of "Conscious Living by Design"™. He writes for Anglia Counselling, a company he founded in 2012, is featured on various other websites and introduces us to many guest writers all covering topics related to mental health and wellbeing.
Bob provides bespoke counselling services to individuals and couples in the privacy and comfort of a truly welcoming environment at his Anglia Counselling company office, located near Newmarket in Suffolk, England. Bob also provides professional online counselling, for local, national, and international clients. The therapeutic models offered are bespoke to the client’s needs, especially those in receipt of 'childhood emotional neglect' (CEN), whilst integrating a mindful approach to psychotherapy and cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) principles, those becoming ever more important for those with neurodivergent traits. For clients experiencing trauma and/or phobia, Bob offers EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing).