An engaging piece from Tim, our resident guest author. When I first read this, for me it brought up the ‘conditional’ kiss – the “Right, I’ve kissed you, now kiss me.” attitude that is prevalent. What thoughts and emotions does this bring to the fore – for you?
I love that line. I love the song. I had no idea it came from the musical of Whistle Down the Wind, a movie I felt was dreadful. I love this version by Meat Loaf.
I was sad, when I read Kissing – The nuances of kissing are many and varied, because kissing is not a gift unless received as a gift. I’m not going to reproduce the comment I left for the author here. “Phew!” I hear you cry in the aisles.
We have aisles?
Do get on, Tim.
It’s obvious from my comment there, that I did not appreciate the mandatory social receipt of kisses as a child. As soon as I knew there was such a thing as a ‘cheek kiss’ I dived for it. As an adult I discovered that there are French, Dutch, Italian and maybe other variants, too. What if they want to kiss thrice and I want to kiss twice? Do we go “Mwahh!” vocally or should we be silent?
Once, in Sicily, I noted the ‘Mafia Kiss’, where it seemed to me that the junior in rank lip kissed the first cheek of the senior, and cheek kissed the second cheek. Scary men in dark suits, darker than the other wedding guests, but I digress.
Or do I?
Is your kiss the Exocet missile of domination, or the Mafia junior's kiss of acknowledging subservience? Click To Tweet
I may not have that second one right, but it looked that way. Please don’t put a horse’s head in my bed. Or is your kiss a pleasing, and in appropriate cases erotic, demonstration of your genuine affection?
What about receiving a kiss?
Are you a grudging recipient, like me as a teenager, diving for the cheek kiss rather more assertively than willingly? Come to that, I did that with my father-in-law’s second wife, too. She was a militant aimer for the lips with hers! Exocet Annie!
Actually, we call her ‘The Sponge’ because she sucks all the joy out of a room.
What about considering, as I have not until now, the needs of the kisser when you are the potential recipient. Are they important to you?
As a teenager, I doubt they are. What about pretending to be an adult? Unless at the two extremes of domination and subservience, does receiving a social kiss, however delivered, matter? At what point should we reject it? At what point does it move from normal social interaction into some form of harassment? If rejecting it, how should we do that?
A sexual kiss, though, assuming it is wanted, that is a very different matter. How do we get good enough at it for our kiss to be desired? Is it always lip to lip? Just how much bonding takes place when our opposite number is trying to excavate our tonsils with their tongue? Is it a true exchange of intimacy or just another struggle for domination? Is rough insertion of a tongue a precursor to rough sex? And is that what we want, now, this time?
What if I get it wrong?
Do I even have time to be mindful over this? Is being mindful even appropriate here, if a kiss should be spontaneous? Click To Tweet
To find out more about 13-year-old Tim, his older self has published Queer Me! Halfway between Flying and Crying.
Bob Brotchie is a counsellor, life coach and creator of Conscious Living by Design™. He writes for Anglia Counselling, is featured on various other websites and introduces us to many guest writers all covering topics related to mental health and wellbeing.
Bob provides bespoke counselling services to clients in the privacy and comfort of a truly welcoming environment at his Anglia Counselling company office, located near Newmarket in Suffolk, England. Bob also provides professional online counselling, for local, national, and international clients. The therapeutic models offered are bespoke to the client’s needs, especially those in receipt of 'childhood emotional neglect' (CEN), whilst integrating a mindful approach to psychotherapy and cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) principles. For clients experiencing trauma and/or phobia, Bob offers EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing).